Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
> over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
> cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
>"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
>"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
>"That little snit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you,
> he must have had something in his hand."
>"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
> lickin' he gave me with it."
>"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
> something in your hand?"
>"That I did," said Paddy.. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
> beauty it was, but useless in a fight,"
> >===========================
>
>An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
> city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over
> the road.
>A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have
> ya been?"
>"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
>"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
> this evening."
>"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
>"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
> across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
> your car?"
>"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
> I'd gone deaf,"
> >===========================
> >
>Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
> arrives at her door.
>"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
>"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
> husband?"
>"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident
> down at the Guinness brewery..."
>"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
>"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
> Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
>"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
> drowned."
>"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. "Did he at least go
> quickly?"
>"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
> >===========================
> >
> >
>Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
> and she's in tears.
>He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
>She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
> last night."
>The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
> any last requests?"
>She says, "That he did, Father..
>" The priest says, "What did he a! sk, Mary ?
>" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that **** gun...'
> >============================
> >
>AND THE BEST FOR LAST.
>A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
> sits down but says nothing.
>The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just
> sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
>The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
> either.
>
> over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
> cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
>"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
>"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
>"That little snit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you,
> he must have had something in his hand."
>"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
> lickin' he gave me with it."
>"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
> something in your hand?"
>"That I did," said Paddy.. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
> beauty it was, but useless in a fight,"
> >===========================
>
>An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
> city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over
> the road.
>A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have
> ya been?"
>"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
>"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
> this evening."
>"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
>"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
> across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
> your car?"
>"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
> I'd gone deaf,"
> >===========================
> >
>Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
> arrives at her door.
>"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
>"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
> husband?"
>"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident
> down at the Guinness brewery..."
>"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
>"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
> Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
>"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
> drowned."
>"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. "Did he at least go
> quickly?"
>"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
> >===========================
> >
> >
>Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
> and she's in tears.
>He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
>She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
> last night."
>The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
> any last requests?"
>She says, "That he did, Father..
>" The priest says, "What did he a! sk, Mary ?
>" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that **** gun...'
> >============================
> >
>AND THE BEST FOR LAST.
>A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
> sits down but says nothing.
>The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just
> sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
>The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
> either.
>
